This quest for perfection followed me everywhere I went, and no matter what I just couldn't measure up. I realize now that it was mostly internal pressure to be perfect, but it definitely originated from the Mormon culture.
While my husband was on his mission I was completely lost. I needed to pick a career. Figure out college. So instead I ran away to live with a friend and spent 6 months procrastinating my decisions. I felt my missionary slowly slipping away as he seemed to grow closer to the gospel just as I was feeling myself fall farther and farther away. I met with bishop after bishop to try to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I get a testimony? Why had I had intimate relationships with every boy I ever dated (I was a virgin still, but I felt like the worlds worst person for breaking the law of chastity over and over again)? Why as a female did I struggle with masturbation? I thought I was the only girl in the history of forever that did it, I was certain of that fact. What was wrong with me? Looking back I realize I was just a normal teenager with raging hormones just beginning to discover my sexuality, but until I left the church I honestly thought everything about me was wrong.
When my missionary came home we got married fairly quickly. I didn't ever express to him my concerns about the church, so we went forward with planning a temple marriage. We barely made it to the temple, because as previously mentioned I had a hard time keeping my clothes on ;)!! Haha.
We started a family right away (by accident) and I found myself thrown into the role of motherhood that is supposed to be sacred and beautiful. I hated it. I learned that nurturing did not come naturally to me. I had to work really hard at it. So here was another thing about the church that I just couldn't measure up to. I was supposed to love motherhood. I was supposedly born to nurture and take care of my family.
I had always struggled with some depression and anxiety on and off throughout my life, but after I had kids it got really bad. I joined ranks with the rest of Utah and got on anti depressants. It helped, but there was still something always nagging at me that I just couldn't be happy. I felt like I was just wrong down to my core. I couldn't fit into the Mormon culture. A big part of my anxiety centered around social type gatherings. Which included church. When I'd express this to family or friends, they'd tell me that church isn't a social thing, so it shouldn't bother me. But it did. I'd spend the whole time at church trying to hold off an anxiety attack. Then it got to the point that all day Saturday I'd be stressing about what was coming the next day. Then I'd spend Monday recovering from it all. 3 out of 7 days were spent in agony all because of church. It just didn't seem right.
I started meeting with a psychiatrist to figure out my meds and slowly realized just how hard church was making my life. He never said anything to me besides "why do you think church is so hard for you". I don't even know if he was LDS or not, but it really got me thinking. I started confiding in my husband about it and he told me that if I wanted to stop going for a while he would support me.
So that's how I stopped going. My life got so much easier! I was happier! I could handle the stresses during the week so much better knowing that my weekend wasn't going to be so stressful.
Then I decided I needed to figure out if the church really was true or not. For the millionth time in my life I was praying to know. I still didn't get an answer. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I finally came to the conclusion that if God wanted me to have a testimony he could have given it to me, but he didn't. This was so enlightening for me. It was the first time I seriously entertained the idea that the church might not be true.
I'm at the place right now where I'm just starving for knowledge. I'm reading and researching and devouring all the information on the church that I can. I'm reading blogs and listening to pod casts. I'm reading books written by ex Mormons and current Mormons. The things I'm learning (mostly through LDS authors) is just mind boggling! I won't bore you all with the details of what I'm learning, but lets just say that my eyes have been opened!
Since leaving my life has been amazing! The guilt I've felt all my life for just being human suddenly evaporated. I feel like I'm a better mom, wife, and friend.
Up next: The Fallout...
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