So when I left it was a big shocker. Still is I suppose. Everything is awkward. I got into a huuuuge fight with my Dad over it. On Christmas day. That was cool.
I am sooo lucky that my husband left with me and that none of my kids were old enough to be baptized.
Nothing has been the same since with my family though. It is heartbreaking. I am holding onto the hope that one day it will get better, but it's hard. I cry about it a lot. I lose so much sleep over it. I have nightmares about fights with family members. I am sick about it. Maybe one day when it hurts less I will blog more about the details, but until then this is what you get.
All of the turmoil has lead me to the realization that I needed to clear the air a bit. I remembered reading blogs about writing letters to family members, and thought that it sounded like a good idea. So I wrote this letter:
Dear Family,
I’m
writing this letter because there has been a lot of awkwardness surrounding our
departure from the church. I wanted to
clear the air a bit, and let you know where I coming from. It is my hope that we can get past this and
have a normal relationship again.
I
want you to know that leaving the church is something that I have spent a lot
of time considering. This wasn’t an
overnight decision. Believe it or not a
lot of prayer went into it as well. The
bottom line was that I don’t believe it to be true. If God wanted me to have a testimony he could
have given me one, but chose not to.
There have been allegations that I am too cynical to receive the needed
inspiration, but I don’t think that’s true.
No one wanted the church to be the right thing more than I did. I have prayed about this through the years
and the answer has always been the same.
No. A general comment to that is
always that I need to be patient and pray harder and be more humble. I think we just need to agree to disagree in
that regard.
I
also want you to know that I will always try my hardest to never belittle your
beliefs. I will respect your
choices. I haven’t decided yet what I’d
like my family’s attendance to church related things to be (baptisms, blessing
etc), so in the mean time I’d like you to still include us with
invitations. We will just have to cross
those bridges as we get to them.
I
will never discuss my new beliefs around your children, and will only engage in
discussion about it if you ask. I will
also only engage in discussions that I feel are safe and not meant to “convert”
me, or make me feel less than I am. I
will respect your beliefs, and ask that you respect mine.
The
biggest issue for me at this time is my children. I want them to feel loved and included (not
that they don’t-I’m just saying it is a fear of mine because of all this). Just as I’ve promised to not discuss my
beliefs around your children, I’d ask that you not discuss yours around
mine. I understand that church discussions
are a part of the family life and I am not asking that you change that, just
that you not aim/or engage in those discussions at/with my children. Talk of modesty as an example. I do have a stance on modesty and believe in
it, just differently than you do.
If
you have any questions for me at all, I want you to feel comfortable asking and
not be left wondering. I’m sending this letter
to_____ and _____, _____ and _____, _____ and_____, _____, and ______ and ______. Feel free to forward it
to anyone you think would like to know this as well.
Again,
all I want is to be as normal as possible under these circumstances.
With
much love, ______________________
I'll let you know what happens after it's sent. This letter has also got me thinking about writing a formal resignation notice to the church.
I tried to post and I don't think it worked, so sorry if you get two comments from me:
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through pinterest, and just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone. We are just a bit behind you, haven't quite come out of the closet yet about our discoveries and our doubts, started this journey perhaps 6 weeks ago, but had struggles before being "lib-mo's." Our doubts are completely based on church history and doctrinal changes- things just do not seem to add up, do they? So sorry that you are struggling with your family, that is a major part of my anxiety to come out, not the fear of people knowing, but the fear of probably killing my mother with the news. She is so invested in the church and the salvation of her children. I remember back during Prop 8 I had just mentioned, briefly, that I was not yet sure how I felt about the issue, and she had a panic attack. She came to my room bawling and gave me an LDS book with her testimony in it, and I WAS NOT EVENING LEAVING THE CHURCH, ha ha. So not funny, really truly sad, but how else can we react to this situation without using a bit of humor? It is like all the air has been sucked out of the room and you are struggling to breathe. My world has been turned upside down and I feel so betrayed by something that I so deeply loved. The kicker is that I too have two young children, and for me I have always clung with hope to the idea of eternal families. I still hope with all my heart that there is such a thing, and that is one aspect I will maintain faith in, because I just do not think I can live thinking otherwise.
I hope that things are getting better for you. Please feel free to reach out to me, I would love to chat further, it feels like there are so few of us, it is always nice to have a friend who knows where you have been and where you are coming from.
Best of luck.
Lindsay
lookirby@gmail.com