The Fallout and my letter to my family

I think I've mentioned before that I come from a very religious background.  BIC, every Sunday church attendees, both parents have/do hold high callings (at the time I left my Dad was my Bishop...awkward), never missed a Wednesday night activity, got married in the temple...etc.

So when I left it was a big shocker.  Still is I suppose.  Everything is awkward.  I got into a huuuuge fight with my Dad over it.  On Christmas day.  That was cool.

I am sooo lucky that my husband left with me and that none of my kids were old enough to be baptized.

Nothing has been the same since with my family though.  It is heartbreaking.  I am holding onto the hope that one day it will get better, but it's hard.  I cry about it a lot.  I lose so much sleep over it.  I have nightmares about fights with family members.  I am sick about it.  Maybe one day when it hurts less I will blog more about the details, but until then this is what you get.

All of the turmoil has lead me to the realization that I needed to clear the air a bit.  I remembered reading blogs about writing letters to family members, and thought that it sounded like a good idea.  So I wrote this letter:

Dear Family,

                I’m writing this letter because there has been a lot of awkwardness surrounding our departure from the church.  I wanted to clear the air a bit, and let you know where I coming from.  It is my hope that we can get past this and have a normal relationship again.

                I want you to know that leaving the church is something that I have spent a lot of time considering.  This wasn’t an overnight decision.  Believe it or not a lot of prayer went into it as well.  The bottom line was that I don’t believe it to be true.  If God wanted me to have a testimony he could have given me one, but chose not to.  There have been allegations that I am too cynical to receive the needed inspiration, but I don’t think that’s true.  No one wanted the church to be the right thing more than I did.  I have prayed about this through the years and the answer has always been the same.  No.  A general comment to that is always that I need to be patient and pray harder and be more humble.  I think we just need to agree to disagree in that regard.

                I also want you to know that I will always try my hardest to never belittle your beliefs.  I will respect your choices.  I haven’t decided yet what I’d like my family’s attendance to church related things to be (baptisms, blessing etc), so in the mean time I’d like you to still include us with invitations.  We will just have to cross those bridges as we get to them. 

                I will never discuss my new beliefs around your children, and will only engage in discussion about it if you ask.  I will also only engage in discussions that I feel are safe and not meant to “convert” me, or make me feel less than I am.  I will respect your beliefs, and ask that you respect mine.

                The biggest issue for me at this time is my children.  I want them to feel loved and included (not that they don’t-I’m just saying it is a fear of mine because of all this).  Just as I’ve promised to not discuss my beliefs around your children, I’d ask that you not discuss yours around mine.  I understand that church discussions are a part of the family life and I am not asking that you change that, just that you not aim/or engage in those discussions at/with my children.  Talk of modesty as an example.  I do have a stance on modesty and believe in it, just differently than you do.

                If you have any questions for me at all, I want you to feel comfortable asking and not be left wondering.  I’m sending this letter to_____ and _____, _____ and _____, _____ and_____, _____, and ______ and ______.  Feel free to forward it to anyone you think would like to know this as well.

                Again, all I want is to be as normal as possible under these circumstances. 

                                With much love, ______________________ 

I'll let you know what happens after it's sent.  This letter has also got me thinking about writing a formal resignation notice to the church.

Why I Left the Mormon Church: Part Two

This quest for perfection followed me everywhere I went, and no matter what I just couldn't measure up.  I realize now that it was mostly internal pressure to be perfect, but it definitely originated from the Mormon culture.

While my husband was on his mission I was completely lost.  I needed to pick a career.  Figure out college.  So instead I ran away to live with a friend and spent 6 months procrastinating my decisions.  I felt my missionary slowly slipping away as he seemed to grow closer to the gospel just as I was feeling myself fall farther and farther away.  I met with bishop after bishop to try to figure out what was wrong with me.  Why couldn't I get a testimony?  Why had I had intimate relationships with every boy I ever dated (I was a virgin still, but I felt like the worlds worst person for breaking the law of chastity over and over again)?  Why as a female did I struggle with masturbation?  I thought I was the only girl in the history of forever that did it, I was certain of that fact. What was wrong with me?  Looking back I realize I was just a normal teenager with raging hormones just beginning to discover my sexuality, but until I left the church I honestly thought everything about me was wrong.

When my missionary came home we got married fairly quickly.  I didn't ever express to him my concerns about the church, so we went forward with planning a temple marriage.  We barely made it to the temple, because as previously mentioned I had a hard time keeping my clothes on ;)!!  Haha.

We started a family right away (by accident) and I found myself thrown into the role of motherhood that is supposed to be sacred and beautiful.  I hated it.  I learned that nurturing did not come naturally to me.  I had to work really hard at it.  So here was another thing about the church that I just couldn't measure up to.  I was supposed to love motherhood.  I was supposedly born to nurture and take care of my family.

I had always struggled with some depression and anxiety on and off throughout my life, but after I had kids it got really bad.  I joined ranks with the rest of Utah and got on anti depressants.  It helped, but there was still something always nagging at me that I just couldn't be happy.  I felt like I was just wrong down to my core.  I couldn't fit into the Mormon culture.  A big part of my anxiety centered around social type gatherings.  Which included church.  When I'd express this to family or friends, they'd tell me that church isn't a social thing, so it shouldn't bother me.  But it did.  I'd spend the whole time at church trying to hold off an anxiety attack.  Then it got to the point that all day Saturday I'd be stressing about what was coming the next day.  Then I'd spend Monday recovering from it all.  3 out of 7 days were spent in agony all because of church.  It just didn't seem right.

I started meeting with a psychiatrist to figure out my meds and slowly realized just how hard church was making my life.  He never said anything to me besides "why do you think church is so hard for you".  I don't even know if he was LDS or not, but it really got me thinking.  I started confiding in my husband about it and he told me that if I wanted to stop going for a while he would support me.

So that's how I stopped going.  My life got so much easier!  I was happier!  I could handle the stresses during the week so much better knowing that my weekend wasn't going to be so stressful.

Then I decided I needed to figure out if the church really was true or not.  For the millionth time in my life I was praying to know.  I still didn't get an answer.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  Nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing.  I finally came to the conclusion that if God wanted me to have a testimony he could have given it to me, but he didn't.  This was so enlightening for me.  It was the first time I seriously entertained the idea that the church might not be true.

I'm at the place right now where I'm just starving for knowledge.  I'm reading and researching and devouring all the information on the church that I can.  I'm reading blogs and listening to pod casts.  I'm reading books written by ex Mormons and current Mormons.  The things I'm learning (mostly through LDS authors) is just mind boggling!  I won't bore you all with the details of what I'm learning, but lets just say that my eyes have been opened!

Since leaving my life has been amazing!  The guilt I've felt all my life for just being human suddenly evaporated.  I feel like I'm a better mom, wife, and friend.

Up next: The Fallout...

Faith Crisis

I've found myself in a "faith crisis" and came across this quote that perfectly illustrates what is happening in my life right now.

Richard Duane "Rick" Warren (born January 28, 1954) is an American evangelical Christian pastor and author.^[1][2][3] He is the founder and senior pastor of Saddleback Church, an evangelical megachurch in Lake Forest, California, that is the eighth-largest church in the United States

I don't know where I am with my faith in God right now, but this quote spoke to me in a way that reached my soul. 

A Beautiful Article

This blog post over on Feminist Mormon Housewives made me cry.  It was so amazing to hear that I wasn't the only one feeling this way!  There are other people out there who have gone through the same things I have.

http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/05/to-someone-just-starting-out/

It was a beautiful reminder that no matter what has brought me to this place I've found myself in, it will get better.  

I highly recommend anyone going through a "faith crisis" to read this article.

Why I left the Mormon Church: Part One

You'd never look at me and think that something wasn't right.  I was perfect from the outside.  By perfect I mean: always engaging in anything and everything church related.  I could probably count on my hands the number of times I missed church throughout my life.  We just didn't not go unless you were dying.  I wasn't allowed to skip the midweek YW activities.  I was always president of my classes throughout my youth.  I strongly encouraged my boyfriend to serve a mission.  As in "I won't marry you unless you do."  He did and we did in fact get married upon his return in an LDS temple.  We started having kids right away because that's what the righteous do.  I never said no to a calling even when it was absolutely ridiculous to ask of a brand new mom or I was just plain uncomfortable with it.  You NEVER turn down callings in my family.  I judged members for various "sins" all the time.  I was also aware of the judgment of others through out my life.  I was constantly trying to be the perfect person that I felt was expected of me.  But there was a dark side to all of this.

I distinctly remember my first anxiety attack.  It was at my baptism.  The time where I'm supposed to be filled with the Holy Ghost, and BAM!  It hit my poor 8 year old self like a ton of bricks.  What was happening to me?  Didn't I just make a good choice?  Then why do I feel so bad?  It seems as if that feeling followed me throughout my life in Mormonism.  I was always experiencing conflicting thoughts about it all.  Still I tried hard to push all those thoughts away and be perfect.  I was horrified that I didn't/couldn't believe what everyone around me did.  Thus began years of self hatred and later self harm.

I was thirsty for love.  I just wanted desperately to feel something positive.  As I began my teenage years this thirst for love drug me down some dark paths, but I did a pretty good job of hiding it away from everyone close to me.  I acted out by breaking the "rules" with my boyfriends.  It was my silent way of pushing against the system.  It felt so good to be free and make my own choices, but afterwards I'd always feel terrible guilt which would turn into another reason to hate myself.   This was the cycle of my teenage years.

Next Up: Why I Left the Mormon Church: Part Two

My new theme for life...

I'm starting over.